sequence of tenses

No sequence of tenses

As some of you might know the Roman Empire was one of the Grand ones!

There was a time when it conquered and ruled.

"Divide et impera!" as the saying went.

In the times of the Romans, way out east of what was then Europe lived a nation of what was known as barbarians. Simple, happy souls.

Men in tights, men with blondish beards, valiant men. Men that when they wanted a woman, went out to find the right one, met her and conquered her. As simple as that. No time for fussing around, you know!

And their women! What a sight for sore eyes! Sweet little things with white faces and languid eyes, shy at times and passionate at others.

For reasons that have been thoroughly expressed in books of history the Romans set their minds into conquering the territories of these people. Something to do with the barbarians forfeiting Roman coins, with their constant attacks on Roman provinces and, last but certainly not least, with the natural richness the barbarian country had.

But for some reason or another, these simple, happy souls would not let themselves be conquered.

As you can imagine Caesar (Traianus, Caesar Marcus Ulpius Nerva Traianus to be more specific) was not one to give into such nonsense!

"They shall be conquered!".

And long, hard, bloody battles have been fought and many valiant men have died, on both sides.

In the end the poor barbarians have been conquered, a Column has been erected in Rome and history recorded a genocide of the blondish men with beards. The Roman she-wolf defeated the Dacian Wolf-Serpent, otherwise known as the flag of the Dacians, and the two remained forever united, making up one big happy family, Romulus and Remus included.

Once again, peace was reestablished. The Romans contemplated their gains. A beautiful, serene country, green meadows as far as eyes could reach, dark forests in which one could wonder about for three days without seeing the sun, hills with succulent vineyards, gold mines, plenty of gold wherever one went, gold that made Roman eyes shine with greed, mountains and sea! And on top of all – those beautiful little creatures, delicate and sweet – creatures that made Roman eyes shine with lust!

What was there more to do but "veni, vidi, vici …" et vivere!?

And so our story starts.

One bright day our little Dacian flower set out, going about her ways as she usually did.
She looked like a doe, wondering around with no care in the world.
Little did she know that not far behind her one of the conquering men was staring at her like a hungry wolf.
The sun was shining and she was merry.

This looks like a beautiful day! she thought.

"Salve!" said he with his huge black eyes gleaming like those of a hungry carnivorous animal in front of its prey.

Oh! But this is the most handsome one I've ever seen in my life! By all the gods, who is he?! she said to herself as she felt the entire world was coming to pieces and that all her inner world was coming apart.

"Salut!" she whispered timidly, hardly bearing to look at those huge eyes that seemed to her like black ardent diamonds piercing her soul.
"Well, hello! I have been here for some time! I was looking at you! It seems to me… well, I have had some thoughts since I first laid my eyes on you… that you might be alone…. Puto te amo (I think I love you!)!"

O my good gracious, he is so handsome! Oh! If I could only withhold myself. Mama always told me one day I'd feel like this! But what in the blazers is he talking about??? This must be the most elevated form of speaking their language! Thank  papa he sent me to that teacher to learn some words, otherwise I'd really be lost… It doesn't really sound the way I've learnt it  … but with those eyes… and those strong hands.. and that handsome figure … oh, who cares what he's saying!! By all the gods, that beautiful black hair! I'm such an idiot! If I could just smile and not feel so lost and helpless! Oh, help, I'm lost, completely lost!
"Salut!" and she gave him her best smile ever!

"Realite! I have come from a far, distant country… it has not been an easy journey, many a battles I have won and…mmmm… well, you see.. what I really want to tell you is that ..well … before I have had my loves, but never have I seen anybody like you…"

This one must be either an idiot or the grandest intellect I've ever met – either ways I don't understand almost a word he's saying… but he is so really charming, with his beautiful smile and those manly figures! If I could only smile back at him and stop trembling like a leaf in the wind…

"Salut!", and she gave him another of her sweetish, childish giggles.

In the end the discussion came to an end. Pleasant as it was for both, it really was obvious that there was little much more to say that day, as he was stating his feelings in his perfect Latin, as any legion commander would have been expected to do, and she, poor little creature stumbled over the words, she that, as any daughter of a rich, although barbarian, merchant, knew fairly well the language of the conqueror, but in front of him could utter nothing decent!

As she went further on her way the day seemed brighter, birds could be heard much more loudly, the grass seemed greener and the air sweeter, flowers looked more vivid and it seemed to her that life had just begun. She could not stop dreaming with her eyes open at those black passionate eyes.

She felt a sweet unrest taking over her mind, soul and body. She felt a certain sort of metaphysical rash going about her body.

O! those fiery, huge black eyes! Such promises within them! Such dreams as I have never dared to dream of…. scandalous! So daring! I do hope I see him soon!

Wouldn't you believe it: the next day they met again….

"Salve!" he began, with a dignified posture and the ardent look in his huge eyes, a look that almost knocked her over.

"Salute!" and she gave him her sweetest smile ever, although she felt she was going to die of shame, thinking he would think of her as the silliest living being crawling the face of Earth.

Oh my God, those eyes again! Staring at me, piercing me! He must know how I look without my clothes on! Oh, dear God, help me not fall like an idiot! Whatever will he think of me???! I should run off! I could run off! I, I , well… maybe I'll stay one or two minutes to look into those eyes a bit!
"Veni, vidi, vici! Vinum, vino…."

"Would you like some vino?!?" she said timidly.

"A! No, my sweet! No wine just now! First I want to explain it all to you and after, of course, all that there is, all you would like to offer!" and he gave her a strange smile, that made her cheeks go red and her eyes go down in shame.

But then as she recovered her senses she reflected: He doesn't want my wine! I heard of these cases – it doesn't look good! A man that doesn't want some wine… and for free!!! Hmmm! Not good at all! What could it mean? Could it indicate… the presence of some other… and in that moment she felt as if a knife was cutting large chunks of her heart.

"Quia ego dilexi te, et vidi te! (I have loved you since I've seen you!). I had to come a long way to finally find someone like you, I will want to live with you in the future…."

Hmmmm! strangely enough he seems to say such nice, sweet things, if I could only understand all the words… at times I think he really likes me! But then again – he is a Roman. I've heard all about them – cold, frigid, stiff beings. All they want is material stuff… money, gold, and "sporty" activities… nothing more, no substance! I don't know if I can trust him….

And so the days went on, the little fragile Dacian meeting with the handsome, tough Roman. She smiling as ever, lost for words and feeling dumb, he trying to impress her by talking fancy stuff with pompous words although, paradoxically enough, he didn't want to sound so elevated, being scared she might think he is a snob.

Day by day she would feel weaker. Day by day she knew that he was the man of her life. Rather tall, strong, handsome in his own way, perfectly shaved and haircut, talking some language she had a rough idea of…. All she could see of him, all she would allow herself to see were his beautiful, huge, black eyes – passionate and daring, his strong hands and his muscular feet.

She could hardly look at him that her cheeks would go red and her playful green eyes would flash!

By Zalmoxis, the great God of all Gods! He is the most handsome man of all! If I could only understand well what he is saying! If I could only repeat in detail his language! If I could grasp the ideas behind the words! Maybe then I would impress him and he would finally make a move unto me. But as I am so stupid … of course he doesn't love me! How could he ever love one so idiot as me??!? and big, clear teardrops filled her vivid eyes, and her heart sunk into despair.

"Heri narrare volui … te amo…. mulier non potest! (yesterday I wanted to tell you… I love you… woman, I cannot stand it anymore!")"

Oh, of all the Gods! He is so daringly handsome when he takes this serious look! He looks so manly, so valiant, so courageous! But what is he saying? I could really loose myself at this moment! If only he would make a gesture!"

She gave him yet another of her stupidly open smiles… and he really seemed most happy with it.. yet he took no action and she understood he was not interested in her.

The poor little thing started losing sleep trying to understand "but why doesn't he do anything? If he liked me, by now he should have invited me out somewhere… could it be that he doesn't like me and he's just being polite by exchanging some words with me? But those eyes? The way he looks at me – does that mean nothing at all to him? Maybe this is the way he looks at all women! Oh, dear Bendis, Goddess of love – help me!"

She would cry every day and every night as doubt found its place into her sweet heart.

Day by day she tried to look nicer. She started buying typical Roman jewels in her attempt to catch his eyes. She bought a little glass bottle with some fancy Roman perfumed water she would put around her temples and neck, a fine piece of shawl made of silk, she even had a couple of dresses made for her in the Roman fashion.

He seemed delighted at seeing her, his eyes would spark like coals on fire. But nothing, no invitation came from his part, and the poor Dacian would part from their meetings with sadness in her heart and tears in the corners of her once joyful green eyes.

I must talk to someone about my disgrace. I cannot bear it anymore;  I must ask somebody that has some experience in love-matters what this situation is all about. I do believe I am going to go mad very soon! I know! I'll go visit Voica! She is very knowledgeable and she goes out with a Roman man!

 So our little darling set out to visit Voica and ask her what all of these happenings could mean.

"Voica dearest, what could it all mean? We meet quite often, me and him! Oh, Voica, you should see him! He is so dashingly handsome! So strong, his body is like carved in stone! Those strong hands, that firm posture, that face, that manly chin… and I can't even tell you what eyes he has! Huge and black, passionate and daring at times, soft and sweet at others! And that sweet, sweet, lovable smile he gives me from time to time…"

"Well my dear, you have lost your heart it seems! Ha ha ha! Who would have thought! You of all girls, to fall in love with a Roman! You… you have never fell in love with anybody, you have always kept cool and men have tried to conquer you.. but you, noooooo! You wouldn't let yourself be conquered! Ha ha ha! And now?! And now finally you know how it feels! And of all, the little wench in love with a Roman!!! Ha ha! Well, this is indeed the most!"

"O, Voica! Don't be so cruel, don't laugh at my disgrace! I cannot sleep, I cannot eat, I have lost my rest and worst of all, I see no hope!"
"Now, now! Come here – things cannot be sooooo bad! There's always a solution for anything… tell me all about it!"

So the two Dacians started talking off the entire affair. At times Voica seemed quite pleased with what the Roman had said, of how the little one had reacted, of how the matter was coming out. But at times she would frown. But at the moment she found out that he had refused the wine all had changed in her attitude.

"A man, even more – a Roman – refusing to drink wine… and with a precious one like you?!?! Not good, not good at all!!!!"

And as the little one was continuing in her story, with tears in her eyes, Voica was more and more pessimistic of it all.

At the end of the entire narration Voica gave her opinion, one that came like a dagger, cutting through the heart of the poor little Dacian.

"My dear, it is clear as the light of day! The man is married and has children! In Rome, or somewhere in the Empire, this one has a woman! Otherwise there is no explanation! He could have at least invited you to "a walk in the forest"… but since he seems to want nothing more than talk…"

"Yes, but…. but all this talking… the way he looks at me…. the…"

"The nothing, my dear! He is simply being polite and making conversation with you! Or who knows?! Maybe after all he does want a bit of fun .. you know… a night or two of passion, and after that he'll return to his Roman wife and Roman children! But then again, why would he wait so long to take action?! It's not like you have refused him or have been impolite… quite the contrary, I'd say!"

The poor sweet one! How her heart broke as her eyes filled with rivers of salty, bitter tears.

Oh, the idiot that I am! Oh, the imbecil! How could I have ever thought he might fall in love with me?!? how could I have ever dared to hope he might be mine one day?!?! Oh, what an unimaginable idiot I am!

Poor little creature desperately looked for a solution and could think of none other but to remain in her house and not go out, for fear of meeting with the handsome Roman and suffering like a wounded animal.

But one day finally she had to end her self-imposed seclusion.

As she was yet again going about her ways, absent minded and tremendously melancholic, he appeared in front of her, more handsome than ever, with a new hair-cut and a fancy new outfit.

"Salve!" he said with his huge, black eyes shining. "Ubi eras? Theese days that I have not seen you, I have been missing you…"
The poor little dear felt weak and desperate, his words more than ever now sounded unintelligible to her and she just couldn't bear the situation anymore. So she started to cry.

The poor man seemed lost for words not having a clue as to what was happening.
"But what is the matter? have I said something? What have I done? tell me, my pretty, tell me, have I said something, anything… I am sorry, really… what is going on? What have I said? What have I done? Look, I bought a new outfit… I… I really … I had a hair-cut… oh, might this be it? The problem, I mean… don't you like it? But, no! don't cry, my sweet! What? What have I done? tell me…."

"Waaaaaaa…. Wuuuuuuuu…. You, you, youuuuu don't looooooove meeeeee!!!! Waaaaaaaaaahahaaaaaa!!!!"

"I??! I don't love you?!??! But I do love you! I adore you! I have been saying this ever since the first day I met you…. have you not heard me?"
However could she have heard him, since she always felt lost in the dark depths of his eyes?

"Waaaaaaaaaaaaa! Here you go again! Wuuuuuuuuuuhuhuuuuu! Really now! You really don't love me, do you?!?!"

"ME?! I don't love you?!? My pretty! But I do love you! I do, I do, I do! I adore you!"

"wuuuuhuuhuuuu! Then… then … what are you talking about?!? What are you saying? Why are you not inviting me out?!"

"But I have been saying that I have feelings for you since the first time I met you! as you never said anything, or anything to encourage me, I just assumed you were not interested…."

"Waaaaaaaaaaaaa! But you speak… you say stuff… I don't understand! I really get lost in the way you talk! What is it? Why does it sound so… so… so … much, so… a lot?!"

"What is it?!? Well my pretty! This is Roman grammar! Most probably you feel lost in the sequence of tenses! The verbs, you know! " said he with overflowing pride.

"Se…. se… sequence of tttt….tens…tenses?!??! wuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuahahaaa! Is this what you are talking?!? Sequence of tenses?!"
"Exactly my love! Well, to be exact, it's not the sequence of tense I'm talking, it is the sequence of tense that I am using in order to talk!"

"But you are married! Married! You have a woman! This is what you're telling me!"

"Married??! Whoever told you this?! No, indeed I am not! I am not married! You see, grammar and marriage have nothing to do one with the other… you are confused, my dear!"

"You mean to tell me you are a free man?!!"

"Precisely! Free as an aquila in the sky!"

"And you mean to tell me that all this nonsense you are speaking and all the torment I have been living up to now come from… the sequence of tenses?!"
"Well… what can I say… a misunderstanding my dearest! Nothing to worry about, though! In the moment when you will have learnt our grammar, these confusions will have disappeared! Not to worry!"

"Noooooooo!!! No! definitely – NO!"

"No?!??! what do you mean by "NO!"???! Do you mean to say you don't … you don't feel anything for me? you are telling me I have made a complete fool of myself, I have given my heart to you and you … you… you say "No!"?!??!

"Nooooooo!!! No, no, no! sequence of tenses?!Madness, this is what it is! Sheer madness!"

"What are you trying to tell me, my pretty??! Do you or don't you like me?!"

"Like you? like you?!? why… I love you!!!"

"You do?!!!"

"Of course I love you! Can you not see?! I am basically going around like a mad woman… can you not understand?! Can you not hear my heart?! But nooooooo!"
"But nooooooo, nooooo what?!?"

"No, man! No, no, no!"

"No, no, no, what??!" cried he in desperation.

"No! No sequence of tenses!"

"???!!"

"I cannot live with sequence of tenses! It's either me… or the bloody-blooming sequence of tenses! It is as simple as that!"

"You cannot live with the sequence of tenses??!"

"No! it is as simple as that! Either me or sequence of tenses! Chose!"

"So this was the problem???! This was all that the fuss was about??!"

"Indeed it is all! And I would say it is more than enough!"

"this is all??!?"

"All!"

"But love of my life! This is no problem at all!"

"No! I should think so myself!"

"Little spring flower, said he in a playful voice with his eyes sparkling with joy, this is no problem at all! Why, let the idiots in Rome keep worried about the sequence of tenses! We over here have better things to do! Ha ha! Nobody ever should get their love stuck in grammar! To hell with the sequence of tenses!"

And so, from the immense love between a valiant Roman and a delicate Dacian, sprang the nation that took the Latin language and shaped it in such a way that the sweet little ones could not be bothered with the sequence of tenses and other useless notions made to give headaches, complicate communication and tergiversate the beautiful language of courtship.

(Roughly speaking, 2.000 years later nothing of substance has really changed in the customs and behavior of these people!)

Disclaimer:

First and foremost, I would like to mention the fact that all that has been written above has no historical or linguistic basis whatsoever. It is all, entirely, the product of my imagination mixed with the scarce knowledge that I have of Romanian history and language.

Secondly and not lastly, I thank my dearest Spaniard friend, Cristina, for her valuable insights and for concluding that the short version of the birth of the Romanian nation is "una loba, un lobo y el destino!" (i.e. "a she-wolf, a wolf and destiny!")